Sat. 8/31/2024

It’s been one and a half weeks since we heard the news that our very first FET had failed. Cried for a couple of hours. Then I was fine. So I thought.

It was a chemical. By the time my flow started, much heavier than usual, something in my brain shifted and I started to feel sad again. I couldn't imagine having to wait yet another two weeks just to start the next cycle. I played again and again in my mind all the possible scenarios. The next FET fails. Another retrieval. Maybe another. More uncomfortable tests. More FETs. How many more months would have to pass?

After less than a week like this, Mr. B couldn’t take it anymore. Familiar yet painful outbreak that made me realize that I might have spiraled too deep again. Am I just having a normal reaction to what have happened? Or am I doing worse than that, like Mr. B had insisted? I couldn't tell anymore.

Heard my favorite podcaster sang Jay Cho's 世界末日 (end of the world). Haven't thought of the song for many years, but last night I sang it again and again (Mr. B, if you are reading this, the "you" in the lyrics is not you, just translating...). It took a year to finally accept that we wouldn't get lucky the next month, that we had to start this journey. Only if I knew it wouldn't be a quick one. But it's time to stop being sentimental and keep going.

想笑  来伪装掉下的眼泪
Wanna smile, to disguise the tears that are falling

点点头 承认自己会怕黑
I nodded, admitting that I fear the dark

我只求  能借一点的时间来陪
I just wanna borrow some time, some company

你却连  同情都不给
But sympathy you don't spare

想哭  来试探自己麻痹了没
Wanna cry, to know if I'm numb

全世界  好像只有我疲惫
In the whole world, I'm the only one who's exhausted, so it feels

无所谓  反正难过就敷衍走一回
It's Ok, if I'm sad I'd just muddle through

但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞
Hope despair and powerlessness would dissipate to far far away

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