2dp5dt

 "I had a calm and uneventful week again," I told the therapist, "almost happy."

Worked out. Went to an unguided meditation group at a Japanese garden. Bought what was likely the last batch of sweet peaches this season from a farmer's market. Converted a pair of golden earrings from Goodwill to clip-ons with brand new tools. Ate my favorite noodle soup twice wearing the clip-on earrings.

This had been my brand new life recently. Calm. Normal. Almost happy. As a testament that I'm not some crazy woman obsessed with baby making anymore, I was sincerely surprised to hear the alarm to remind me to take my medications. I even managed to miss a blood draw appointment (luckily they squeezed me back in).

Day 0. When I woke up from a long, deep doze after taking valium, I started to wipe and scrutinize the TP. Is there no spotting? No watery discharge? I laid back down - no feeling in stomach?

Day 1. My Google search history shows that there were two searches of "day after FET no symptom". Two of "one day after transfer no symptom". One of "activity after FET reddit". Continued to scrutinize my TP. Saw stretchy discharge once that resulted in two more searches of "day after 5dt discharge".

Day 2. "Let's imagine you have a thousand dollar in debt. Do you want it? No. Do your friends have the debt? No." said the therapist, "But we can separate out our immediate emotion, and shift our mindset to view it as a neutral situation." I felt the anger started to stir up in my stomach. "...you don't want to not get pregnant or not have a kid. You are getting older. These are unwanted but we can shift our mindset..." Inhale. Exhale. I can't get stirred up now. I'm at 2dp5dt. My embryo is supposed to be implanting. What if it senses my tension and stop growing? "...you had losses. Loss of a year. Loss of the embryo..." I can barely comprehend the voice. What time is it now? Should I just leave the room? Inhale. Exhale. He's not on purpose and he doesn't even know that I'm getting angry now. Maybe I should stay. But there are 25 more minutes. What if my embryo stop implanting?...

"Sorry, can we switch topic? I'm getting stirred up. I had my transfer two days ago and I need to stay calm." I finally said.

Fine. I guess I'm not back to my calm, normal and almost happy life yet. Not entirely.

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