7.5 weeks

The meditation made my mind as clear as the autumn sky.

I feel good. Things are fine. CC is growing inside me, 7.5 weeks old like a little grape (according to NHS). I was happy as I walked down the temple on top of the Japanese garden.

But even then I knew that this feeling wouldn't last long. My anxiety would return. My mind would soon be busy weighing the pros and cons of each OB (should I call the doctor who promises to deliver? But I heard from online that she's hard to book and might cancel on you if you are shopping around. I'd better be more determined. Maybe I should call the other clinic with the best NICU? But maybe it's too far, and I'd be stuck in traffic in an emergency. No, maybe I should just stick to the current doctor. But what if they are not responsive with all the different providers, and, even worse, what if the baby needs a better NICU that they don't have?). Or maybe it would be busy listing out all the possibilities of my past and future career (should I ask my manager for a promotion? But I don't really want to stay here for long. Perhaps I should've stayed with my old team, that would've been better. Or perhaps better, I should've switched to a different team instead. Should I try to switch back now?). Or maybe it would be worrying if I'm still pregnant (did the discharge disappear? Am I feeling better - wait, I thought I should be feeling worse?). Or it would be freaking out that I'm too anxious and it's gonna hurt CC.

When my mind is as clear as the autumn sky, I feel happy and hopeful, sincerely. But anxiety hasn't magically gone away, and I'll have to work hard for it to combat it. But at least now I have the happy moments that are truly happy, and that's worth the rest.

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