Sleepless

It's 2:14 am. I'm sleepless.

CC is not crying. CC is not being held. CC is calmly asleep in his bassinet, like what we have dreamed for for the past month.

This is the first time since CC is out in the world that I'm wide awake in the middle of the night, or wide awake any time of the day really, not because I have to care for him, but simply because I'm angry and distressed. For the past month, CC has been my entire life. Feeding him, changing him, soothing him, holding him, putting him down in his lovely bassinet, picking him up again. Sleep has been something that I have to squeeze in whenever I can, and sleep has always come easily when physical exhaustion is constant.

But now I can't sleep because I just had a fight with Mr. B, with the loudest scream I could manage to let out. CC has been Mr. B's entire life too, or at least most of it. The first day CC was in the world, Mr. B learned to rock him, sing to him, pat him, swaddle him, change him. I saw his joy, his care, his tenderness. My heart was melted. You are the best person I could have imagined to go through this with, I told him. And I meant it.

Very quickly Mr. B got better at swaddling, changing, and soothing CC than I did. Actually he taught me how to do these. Finally holding CC in my arms was the happiest thing to me, and I was almost as happy that there's another person in the world who felt the same as, if not stronger than, I did.

CC turned out to be a loud, crying baby, just like a baby. A week later Mr. B reached his capacity. CC's cry now got on his nerves. Sometimes I did  too. Mr. B still rocked, sang, patted, swaddled, and changed CC, and I desperately needed the help. But I was distressed. I felt that I lost the only other person in the world who cared for CC as much as I did. I felt alone.

Mr. B and I have been swinging up and down since then. One moment Mr. B was back to the caring and tender person, and I was full of joy. Another moment he withdrew, and I was alone and tearful. I saw that he's trying the hardest he can, now even adding a full-time job to things to juggle, as if poor sleep and CC's sometimes inconsolable cry are not enough. But I was also reaching my limit for not knowing what to anticipate next and for being understanding.

CC peed all over himself again, and this time also on our bed. B came to help but I lost it. It was the last straw. A couple of hours later I already can't remember what we both screamed at each other about. It wasn't a fair moment to him. And I was too angry to sleep even with a peaceful CC sleeping by my side.

Mr. B, are you able to sleep? Are you stressed about going to work tomorrow? Are you angry? Are you sad? Are we able to survive this?

But we have survived day by day, hour by hour, and CC is a chubby one-month-old now. I don't know how much sleep I can get tonight, and tomorrow will be a rough day. I hope we will survive tomorrow, and the day after. Sleepless nights there will still be, but I hope not many more.